Fragile (A Guy's Story)

i am extremely and insanely careful because the people who brought me here were careless. i maybe too young to fully accept their life complexities but i am not that heartless  not try to comprehend. i use to believe that they are to take care of me or at least teach me, or better yet, warn me about things that i might need and i should know in dealing life as it is. but hell they never did. so i learned  to protect myself and myself alone. never give a damn to others. i get along only with people that i know i will have a use of. i became selfish and somewhat, cruelly rude. i do have a big heart but i know how to brush it off when necessary. i can hide feelings. lying became easy and normal. but things went differently when some stupid stranger force herself to be part of my life. she smoothly paved the way in to join my big and isolated world. persistent to get me starts to lighten me up, taught me to appreciate the chill-soothing touch of the wind, showed me the beauty behind the seemingly harsh life. she made me sing and dance in the rain, made a fool of myself publicly, laugh like there's no tomorrow, love like forever. but i am still to afraid to fully loosen my guard that i built way way back with my own sweat, tears and blood. to not have the same complexities. i am a coward. i tried to resist and contain things but the freak stranger still won my own game, with my own rules, in my very own battlefield. and maybe i let that happen. maybe i conceded and finally had the courage to risk everything. then my world's not existing anymore. it became our world together. for the first time in my life i am happy and content and assured that everything's gonna be fine. it was. until she became my world, the reason of my survival. i lost my own identity and it was good enough reason to push her away. i suffocated her. i became too possessive that even it's not intentional, i treated her like a property. i became the complexity that i'm avoiding in the first place and it had me costs as much as i can provide for my entire life. and more.

Rain Part I (A Girl's Story)

Why do I like rain? This is one of the many reasons. It was a very rainy Sunday afternoon. I am with someone, we were on our way to a friend’s place somewhere. Suddenly I was asked, “If you are to write something interesting about rain, what is it all about and what would it be?”. I stood still, thinking that I always love the sound of the rain, the chill of it, and the comforts it gives to me. What would I write? I don’t know! Then I smile , and I said, “I’m not a writer.” Unfortunately, the person I was talking to that time was a writer. A good one. So there is no way in a world that will help me escape that conversation. Then he said, “Rain usually starts relationship and witnesses its bitter endings.” I didn’t believe him maybe because I don’t understand what he’s saying. And I don’t really give a damn.

So we went on until we found the place. We we’re soaking wet. We only used one umbrella for both of us (though I have my own umbrella in my bag). The thing is, when it’s raining, automatically we need something (or someone) to warm us even for seconds (better if for hours). Isn’t it? Or you’ll be like a cold rock! Agree?

The next thing happened is that we both decided not to go home yet (after a few hours stay in a friend’s house) ‘coz it was still early and for another reason that we we’re both starving! And so we went to the mall near the place, searched and searched for a fast food resto, ‘till we get tired and saw “yellowcab” in the corner. THERE IS NO TIME FOR SEARCHING FOR ANOTHER! LET”S EAT! I’M STARVING!

You see, I basically don’t know the person I’m with that day. It’s an accident that we need to go to one place at the same time. Our common friend set us up not on blind date thing but for some stupid little org thing. A work on a rainy sunday afternoon. And did i mention that we’re 2-hour late. And the result, we did enjoyed each others company, we talked about a lot of things, we talked about life, we talked about current issues, we talked about people and everything under the sun, and we talked in an open air place, a beautiful greeny, icy and wet place. We laughed. We teased each other. We threw corny jokes. We had fun. So much fun.

And finally I must say, by far, that’s one of the few most comfortable moments of my life.

-the BEGINning-

It started. And I won’t spoil the moment when it had to reach its bitter endings. Why? Simply because I didn’t realize that I would actually experience that kind of thing. It was unexpected. I’m truly blessed. So, instead of mourning and lamenting and talk about the heartaches and heartbreaks, I chose to cherish.

-it has ENDed-

RISK

frightened by the thought of it
anxious yet yearning for it
curious but can't carry regrets
both excited and afraid to be reckless

bewildered 'bout how it'll turn out
for good and bad consequences it may brought out
this "now or never", "all or nothing" game
often quoted: a water-looked shameful flame

take it or leave it i say to you
what's so absurd is that, it has no clue
messed you up or put you in chill
i'm telling you, that's part of the thrill

not taking it is not a bad choice
but missing it is like losing your own voice
going through with it is maybe a just decision
just don't be so fed up with your own confusion

it really is a bonafide spice of life
outcomes may turn out dull or bright
be valiant enough, bring your guts
shun "what ifs" and take the risk

FELICITY

passing through the careless wall
ready to cut, ready to endure
this shameless lad, unfathomable
for nothingness glimpse of survival
though stuck in deserted view
still verbose praising his hero
conquered by the silence of rain
with a warm heart but untamed
bliss describes the outside
there's more in inlying conviction
buried countless sentiments
wiped out by white apparition
unwanted to some, heaven's sake
loved by many like thornless rose
belongst to which garden?
what's a rose without a thorn?

in the corner

i am here in the corner

overflowed with rage.

screaming!

crying! but no single tear was falling.

fragile like precious glass caught in fire

with no escape.

nowhere to hide.

i am in despair.

trying to bid myself to the image in my mind that

has been mine for quite sometime.

i am here in the corner

pleading for help.

asking for benevolence.

waiting to be rescued.

trying to caress my very heart that was deeply wounded.

it was painted with blood.

its broken pieces was torturing my tired soul.

my heart and soul was floating in the ocean of my blood and flesh.

every inch of my body was dying.

yes. it's all mu fault.

i'm guilty.

i am in the corner

still crying.

this time eyes are swollen

continuously releasing tears like river.

it seems like it won't stop.

at the top of my lungs i wanna shout!

begging to stop the clock and earth from moving

for there's a little sad voice in the corner of my heart that was talking.

i hear it say,

"i'm in love with the doubtful and ambiguous image in my mind.

i wanna die at this very moment.

i am burning and i need to see my ash scatterd in the air like clouds,

floating in the universe like start."

i am here in corner

in love.

alone and lonely.

though i'm with me i'm still alone.

i was betrayed and besieged with love.

danger was in front of me.

fear was everywhere.

nobody cares. they're ignoring me.

i'm not insane.

i'm not crazy.

i am just

in love.

i am here.

me. stupid. lonely. in love.

my poor heart gave in.

it died just in time that i needed.

not to get rest, but to find something.

something, somewhere in the corner of this colorless

world.

i am here in the corner

still breathing.

living with no worth.

hearing only noise.

feeling hurt.

still seeing this colorless world.

no life.

my heart died.

my love's gone.

that image in my mind stole me.

devitalized my courage.

dump my dignity.

crumpled my heart.

thrown away my soul.

trashed my pride.

diminished my chance to hope and to believe.

it just left me

here,

in the corner.

now,

i'm no longer there in the corner

but still longing to bring back my all.

myself, that was internally destroyed and externally

murdered.

here,

in this corner of my broken heart

will remain the little sad voice of me

who now owns nothing

but the living memory of being in love saying,

"when can i be free?"

People are People

Some people were living for themselves

For their completion and self-confidence

Focused on their prime goals and dreams

In the ocean of their achievements they swim

Some maybe meant to be marionettes

Doing what was told, what was ordered like puppets

Words of their barbarous master’s paramount

That’s why paranoia and grief they’re abound

Some were living for their family

Own happiness is the last priority

Set their mind that it’s their responsibility

But deep in their hearts they long to be free

Some were fond and content helping others

Offering costless services and charities

Yet in their own home they’re like wild tigers

Who never knew kindness, only cruelties

Some were living in their philosophy

Every letter was coined logically

Intelligence and knowledge is their wealth

For critical reasoning’s sake in exchange for health

Some were living for pure pleasure

Material things and adventures were their cure

Hale all senses with such non-sense

Still they lack the precious thing called providence

Some do misunderstood and misconceived love

By giving up on this, by letting go of that

Say they love but don’t respect, they love but don’t trust

Heck so illogical! Do they really know how to love?

While others were calm and so they’ll say

I’ll go with the flow, come what may

And some were still finding themselves

In wrong sites and places they search

For billions and billions of different people

These were just some can't mention it all

Driven to live for the wrong things and wrong reasons

So in the same dead end some people will fall